Single in a missions community

(Disclaimer- this message is from my perspective and applies to myself and my friends. This may not apply to ALL single missionaries. I love this community and I know that for many people their intentions are genuine and loving and they want us to have what they have...a happy marriage and wonderful children.)

Living in a small missionary community can make things interesting for a single woman. For single men they are invited over to dinner often and families tend to want to find a wife for them, since we all know men don’t last on the mission field if they are single (not sure why everyone things that). For a single woman there are many ideas or shall I call them "misconceptions" on how they should be treated. Much like the states, singles are often seen as this person who is able to work a double load, seeing as they do not have children and a husband to care for. Where some ladies may be proud of that fact, it wears, some of us, out. We find ourselves having to fight for breaks and times to wash dishes, hang up laundry, made meals from scratch and clean our house. Again, I am writing all of this from my perspective; this is how I perceive things, and not necessarily how things actually are. I remember working in the states and deciding I was going home every day at 4:00. Some of the married ladies with children would still be there and would not understand why I would need to leave. I explained that, no I do not have children or a husband to attend to but I do have myself, and I need to look after my health and sanity. Each of us has to care for our own needs, make sure we are rested, fed, and have personal time alone. Plus, if we are all hired to do the same job we should be expected to do the same amount of time. Anyways…off my soap box.

Another misconception of how singles should be treated is that they are blessed with independence and time for quiet. I totally understand where families are coming from with this. Yes, we do have a lot of time alone, lots of quite that I am sure families are lacking and desire, but we often get bored and lonely (and this is why we get lots of TV shows J). Independence is wonderful at times but we often desire someone to share things with, to create memories with us. It intrigues me how each of us, no matter what stages of life, desire to be in a different stage. I have met married women who miss the independence and self sufficiently of single life, mothers who miss the quiet and time to think about their own needs, and singles who dream about having a husband to share life with and children to tuck into bed and call them mommy. I am continually reminded of what “living in community” really means. Instead of envying the life of others let’s make each others life more bearable. Singles, grab a mother’s kids and take them for the afternoon. Set up a date night for the parents so they can have a “get away” from their every day life. Don't be afraid to say no to things when you are tired or worn out. Mothers, remember back to when you were single and the struggles you had as a single. Life as a single was not always glamorous was it. Married, we are still here and we can still be your friend. Just because you are married does not mean you have to be lonely or find “new friends”. We realize you have to find other married friends as well to talk to and relate to.

The final misconception I think missionaries have about single women missionaries is, if they are on the mission field, there must be something wrong with them. Oh yes, I know this idea exists because I had it. Granted, I was 16 years old and believed that everyone could be married if they wanted to. Let me just squash this idea, NOT every single woman on the mission field is messed up, weird, broken, and swearing off men. To be honest I find that many of my friends who are here have been called by God, have obeyed His calling, and desire that if He wants them to be married then He will make the encounter happen. This, however, does not mean that we all want to be single the rest of our lives. I, for one, feel that God has created me to be a wife and a mother some day. As a Christian woman I just don’t feel right being a pursuer in a relationship with man. I have done this before and have been rejected, hurt, laughed at, or called a flirt. Here’s the thing men, if you don’t make the first step then women will. MAN UP! You have a very important job to do and since you are dropping the ball, women are taking over. This said, I won’t do it. If God wants me to have a man some day then he will bring the man to me. That man will pursue me and God will make it clear. Friends and family have told me about specific men out there that would be “perfect for me”. That’s great, but God has clearly called me to work in Papua New Guinea, to teach, and to support Bible Translation with Wycliffe. He has got to be just as clear if there is a guy that is going to fit into my life some day.

My last thought to my mission community, please, allow the single women the ability to talk to, build relationships with, and enjoy any single men that might come to this country. I know, when a guy that not the age of our fathers arrives it is very exciting, but please do not ask us questions about him, push us, or give us ideas that will just get our minds wandering where they shouldn’t be. If you would like to help, please pray for us, talk to the guys (put in a good word for the ladies), and continue to encourage us to follow God’s will for our lives.

Living in community is not easy but, despite what it might sound like, I love it. I have never lived somewhere before where people truly do care about the needs and feelings of others. This community is there for you when you are sick, sad, downcast, discourage, joyful and just living. We feed each other, take care of each other, and even entertain each other. Someone once asked me if I felt lonely here and I told them that I think I actually feel lonelier in America than I do here. In America people are doing so many things and going so many places that they often forget to look at the needs of others. I am saying this from personal experience. I found myself quite lonely at times thinking to myself, “If something happened to me tonight, how long would it take for someone to find me.” I know that might sound morbid, but I also know I’m not the first single to think it. Living in this small community, with neighbors looking in on me all day long, I know that I am cared for. All that to say, no community is perfect, we all have things to learn about each other, but I am proud to be part of this community. Granted we still have lots to learn about each other as we live life together.